The pacemaker- a car that speeds on the highway and you follow so the police pick them up for speeding and not you.

Time flys when your so friggin tired...

August is always a big month for us, Joels birthday is the 19th and Joshuas birthday is the 23rd, with 8 years difference the two days are very different from each other.

Joel unfortunately put a dark cloud over his day by throwing a chair at his older brother Cody only to miss and smash a $600 glass door, so that was one of his presents, that and not being able to have a party. He was only allowed a family affair with a nice dinner and cake and of course presents.

To put another downer on the day, Cody broke his finger two days before and we spent two days in hospital. Oh the joys of having little boys. Joshua had a lovely day, when he woke up he didnt expect to see all new toys ready for him to play. He also loved trying to blow out his candles, they werent actually candles I had sparklers instead so he was blowing in vain and more for my amusement. Not really he loves sparklers and we had to do the whole happy birthday routine 3 times!!!!

So with birthdays out of the way, Cody goes back into surgery this friday to have to wires taken out of his finger- so such a small bone it has turned into a major drama, poor little man.

So the big news (as previously mentioned), I had some blood tests and an ultrasound and drum roll............Im due on the 6th of May 2008. So far so good. I feel very pregnant, the smallest smell makes me want to spew and Im so tired. I plan to totally embrace my last pregnancy and enjoy every second, even the bad things......

Everyone keeps asking me what I want. With three boys what do you think??? A healthy baby..

OOPS I did it again

I can't believe its been over a month since I posted....That must be a record for me.

I've got some very exciting news......

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!

OMG, I know, I'm excited, bloody freaking out and totally blown away. My family are all that matters to me.

I did 3 pregnancy tests last thursday 30th of August, went to Dr today and made her do another one just to be sure....

I dont even know when Im due, some time in March or April, will keep you all informed.

So I've gone and got a myspace profile. Go check it out at:



www.myspace.com/clubmeegan



Ive also got a bebo account

My username is: cojoinc

Check them out

So much to say so little time

I'm a grandmother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My big baby boy has made me a grandmother. Here you can see my beautiful grandson "BONZA", as part of a school project Cody came home with this 'baby' and has to keep it for a week. Suppose to prepare them for parenthood, but worse still what prepares me for grandparent hood. I've already made him a lovely comfy bed, taken him for walks, we fed him and read stories to him. I even have the name 'Nanna Meg". mmmmm.

Its just crazy right now.

I also enjoyed a few days back 'home', I forgot how many different birds were there compared to the city.....The air was cleaner and not as icey cold too.

Now back in the big smoke and back at uni tomorrow. Nothing like being on the go.

Ive also got a new addiction, started off slowly now Im out of control. I've been buying of ebay like a women possessed but bagged heaps of bargains in the process.

Well better be off, got lots more shopping to do.

5 years on

This Thursday sees me and my man celebrate 5 years together.
Its hard to say why we are even still together- many bumps and humps on the way and a short break at the beginning of the year helped us realise what we have is really worth holding onto.
I'm not perfect but I love him with all my heart and soul and no one knows me as well as he does, so :

Happy Anniversary Baby, looking forward to celebrating it with you on Thursday.

WHAT THE????

What do they mean when they say near normal life expectancy????
Whats with that, why can't they tell you the truth.

If you got hit by a bus would you not have a near normal life expectancy or would that then become abnormal?

To you from me

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, Im not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But Im still waiting

Im through with doubt
Theres nothing left for me to figure out
Ive paid a price
And Ill keep paying

Im not ready to make nice
Im not ready to back down
Im still mad as hell and
I dont have time to go round and round and round
Its too late to make it right
I probably wouldnt if I could
Cant bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Cant you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I dont mind sayin

Im not ready to make nice
Im not ready to back down
Im still mad as hell and
I dont have time to go round and round and round
Its too late to make it right
I probably wouldnt if I could
Cause Im mad as hell
Cant bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, Im not sure I could
They say time heals everythingBut Im still waiting

The last few days have been spent appreciating those around me and enjoying some much needed time out back at home.

Last friday I went back to the neurologist where he told me he would give me 2 weeks to decide what medications I wanted to start. One is an injection every week that makes you sick, the other is a daily injection with less side affects. Haven't decided yet, will decide at the last minute. The bad news is, I can't fall pregnant on these injections and its not good to come on and off them so I'm weighing up whether to wait a few months or start them now. Right now I don't know.

One thing I love to do with the boys is when I don't feel like cooking we make platters of fruit and cheeses up for dinner and sit down having a little party together. All the boys love their platters and happily sit and eat all the goodies on them. Josh shovels all the fruit in and loves the cheeses, he is even learning how to dip his bickies into the dip. Its very cute. Unfortunately I don't have all my furniture or my nice platters with me so we have to make do with what we have.

Cody is on a holiday with my mum for the next two weeks and only having 2 kids is such a change. It is soooo quiet. I'm not used to it. Its like my left arm is missing.

So everyone pretty much knows Im a big loser, hehe. I took the time the other day to go and see Andrew and Thomas from big brother. The boys were totally bored and I acted like a total spoilt child when they wanted to go home. It put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Andrew is extremely good looking and Thomas is sooo tall.

Stephen has been sooo good lately. He is really trying and putting in an effort to make our relationship work. We are currently getting some quotes to build on his 10 acres and hopefully will have something underway soon. This is great as next week is our anniversary. We have had 5 very hard, difficult, and sometimes traumatic years but in the end it is him who stands next to me when times get tough. Relationships can be difficult, no ones perfect but in the end we just asked ourselves do we want to leave and be friends or stay and work things out, we decided to stay and work things out. Lately we have been closer than ever before. He has dealt with having a partner tell him my health will slowly get worse and he stepped up to build us a home and make sure I'm ok and the boys are ok. I don't even have to work next year if I don't want to. I'm planning on getting a really good camera for my birthday and be a mum and photographer for a while and maybe work the odd shift as a midwife. Nothing too heavy. Just caring for my boys and my man.

It was so nice to spend a few days looking at the clearer sky, greener trees and less pollution. Im planning on going home for a whole week next week which will be cool just relaxing.

Saw my Nephew Oskar the other day too. He is such a lovely boy.

My baby brother

I have a baby brother, he is 30 years old and a very sweet boy. Sometimes he shits me with his selfishness and self centredness but most of the time he is very loving and caring and rings me most days to say hello.

He isn't as selfish as my older brother, my baby brother is the one who cuddles me and kisses me and tells me he loves me.

This post is dedicated to my baby bro, who is only 19 months younger than me. I hope one day he will find someone special that has no mental illness and isn't too fertile. Just a normal hard working girl who will appreciate him. Not someone that will lie about being pregnant with TWINS and hide it for months and then not be pregnant at all- no, that wouldn't be very funny, well actually it is funny that someone would do that, I guess they forget I'm a MIDWIFE (well a student one) and might know what I am talking about. Like the fact that humans are not pregnant for 11 months? Although this girl apparently was an elephant.

Anyway back to my baby brother, what a sweety, he would even wipe my arse if I needed him too.

I know he isn't like my other selfish brother and if any posts reflect that then I am sorry my darling little baby brother.

Member the time we stole the pile of newspapers in dads car? It was the V8 Calais with the dukes of hazard horn? Member the stoopid security officer who caught us and I did a massive burn out and pressed the horn? I remember cause the police turned up about an hour later after they traced dads rego and I was in bed reading the paper. After kindly delivering all the papers to our neighbours we then had to go collect them. Yeah that was only a week ago wasn't it...hahahah no we were at least 17, well I was.

Member that time when you pissed on your mates head cause he fell asleep on the grass after spewing in the pool at your party?

Member when we stole the Williams creek sign and then pulled into the servo and tried to fill up the car with petrol only to have a workman come out and tell us the service station wasn't even open as it was still being built?? That was funny.

Member we took my RX7 to that illegal drag meet at Clyde? Thankfully it was raided by the police so we didn't race. I've never seen 5 people jump into a 2 door RX7 before. That was funny.

Member when Nick or Dean would sleep over and we would make them drink the 'special milk shakes'? Nick was the best for that cause he would let us pour tomato sauce down his throat.

So Nathan I Wuv you very very much........

What is MS?

Multiple Sclerosis (abbreviated MS) is a chronic, inflammatory, demyelinating disease that affects the central nervous system (CNS). MS can cause a variety of symptoms, including changes in sensation, visual problems, muscle weakness, depression, difficulties with coordination and speech, severe fatigue, cognitive impairment, problems with balance, overheating, and pain. MS will cause impaired mobility and disability in more severe cases.

Multiple sclerosis affects neurons, the cells of the brain and spinal cord that carry information, create thought and perception, and allow the brain to control the body. Surrounding and protecting some of these neurons is a fatty layer known as the myelin sheath, which helps neurons carry electrical signals. MS causes gradual destruction of myelin (demyelination) and transection of neuron axons in patches throughout the brain and spinal cord. The name multiple sclerosis refers to the multiple scars (or scleroses) on the myelin sheaths. This scarring causes symptoms which vary widely depending upon which signals are interrupted.

Multiple sclerosis may take several different forms, with new symptoms occurring either in discrete attacks or slowly accruing over time. Between attacks, symptoms may resolve completely, but permanent neurologic problems often persist, especially as the disease advances. MS currently does not have a cure, though several treatments are available that may slow the appearance of new symptoms.

MS primarily affects adults, with an age of onset typically between 20 and 40 years, and is more common in women than in men.

Again lifes demands seem to distract me from concentrating on updating my blog which is very frustrating as I luvvv my blog....

To start my frustrating last few days, the whole family became sick last friday, I first thought it was food poisoning but by sunday realized it wasn't.

Poor Stephen came up for the weekend only to go home on sunday sick!!! He ended up having two days off work.

Sunday we managed to drag ourselves out for the day to visit my grandparents- at this stage we still thought it was the FOOD!!!. Came home- Stephen left and I got called in for a delivery.

On monday I went to the neurologist and had an MRI at some stupid hour on tuesday morning. Got the results back today and unfortunately I have MS. Its weird cause I now have a reason to feel the way I do and for the symptoms to make sense and I'm not going completely mad!! Shit happens hey.....
Gotta wait a few more days to see what management plan I will have, nothing much you can do other than make sure I can still wipe my own arse. I'm still going to work, nothing will change, I just get an MS in front of my name instead of MD...lol....

Im sure Ill update again- until then...

Half way there!!! Yeppeeee

I have to start off with telling everyone I am now officially half way through my Grad Dip in Midwifery!!! Woohoo. I've had my reviews and my second rotation in the birth unit and I'm powering through my competencies at top speed. The last week has seen me do an extra 17 hours in delivery. I've had 5 of my follow through women come through and lucky me they always call me in the middle of the night or on my day off.... My last women even helped me deliver her baby. It was such a nice experience. When the head and shoulders was out I asked her to reach down and help me pull her baby out, she did and we did it together, she cuddled the baby for ages which was so nice. I love the whole experience of my job and cant tell you how much of a joy it is to work with women during such a magical time. I've had trying times too. Like the lady this week who didn't tell me she had a big bleed after birth until 5 minutes before she delivered and guess what??? She not only had the hugest Hemorrhage, she lost almost 3 litres of blood and was rushed to theatre. I've also had what they call a shoulder distocia where the head is born and the shoulders get stuck, that is freaky, I may have even broke out in a sweat but I surprise myself at how calm I am when it comes to difficult situations. Wednesday saw me and the rest of the student Midwives I work with celebrate with a half way there party. With lots of food and of course a big catch up and gossip we had heaps of fun.

I went back up to Old Bar last weekend. Good to get out of the city. We spent the weekend with my nephew who is so cute. He now pokes his tongue out when you take photos of him. A little devil.

I also caught up with Kylie and baby Amelia. She is now 9 weeks old and very cute. She was smiling at me when I was talking....

I'm now on night shift for the next 4 nights. I don't mind the night shift as it is just as busy as in the day, its the sleep the next day that I don't like.

Maybe some people don't expect me to be a good midwife, maybe I come across differently to them as I do a women I am caring for, but there is nothing more rewarding than women wanting me and them after wards being truely thankful. I even get called the baby whisperer because I manage to stop babies crying when no one else can. The secret is to whisper in their ears....It works...try it...

This is the way you left me,
I’m not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it’s forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning,
stumble on my life
Can’t get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen,
I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven,
but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I’ve ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I’m wastin’
And I’m wastin’ everyday

This is the way you left me,
I’m not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it’s forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Its 4:47am and Ive just got home from work. Part of my role as a student Midwife is to follow 15 women through their pregnancy, labour and birth and post natal period. Its so nice to get to know someone and by the time the baby is born we have developed a lovely relationship. My fourth woman gave birth at 1:26am this morning and I think Im tired. I actually have 18 women because some women come in requesting students to look after them- in some cases its the only familiar face they see for the duration of their pregnancy and birth.

4 down 14 more to go.

Happy Anniversay Mum and Dad

Today my mum and dad would have celebrated 38 years of marriage.

A week in review

My cool son

Joshua has sunnies like daddy now, very cool. He even left them on the whole way to the airport to pick my mum up.

He is my trendy boy.

He also has a keen eye for Style. He now is the very proud owner of 3 pairs of wiggles shoes!!!
















Another week gone by and in contrast a quiet one. Delivering slippery little suckers. I caught a Meka, Matthew, and some other names that I've forgotten already. I get so embarrassed when they want to take photos of me with the baby. But I do it cause I know how special it is for the parents. After all I've just caught their baby!!! Yesterday I had someone almost bite my hand. I politely asked her not to bite me, but was totally freaking out as women can turn into monsters when labouring. Afterwards we had a laugh and I guess I'll be forever known by them as the student midwife who almost lost a finger!!!


I've also learnt how to swear in many different languages. Its amazing to see women walk in as sweet as pie and with a few contractions turn into a Medusa!!! I have a bit of a chuckle at the things they say to their husbands too, some of them yell at him and tell him its all his fault, one lady said in her native tongue- 'don't hold my hand, only I am allowed to hold yours' What the???? Usually the husbands just look at me for reassurance and we smile trying to not let on that we are having a little inside giggle at the poor women in pain. Husbands are always so attentive to their wives, its such a great experience to be part of and I can't tell you how much I love it.


I do have bad days as well, like the other day when a women proceeded...Oh maybe I shouldn't write that story, lets just say I caught more than a baby and placenta that day!! So far no one has requested to take their placenta home or for a lotus birth, not sure what my reaction would be. I'd die if someone wanted to make placenta soup!!! I kind of feel like a butcher sometimes. Oh and a lotus birth is where the women wants the placenta to 'fall off naturally', this can take a few days so they have the baby with the placenta still attached, apparently you put it in a bag with a salt solution in it so it doesn't start to smell like rotten raw meat.....


So last week I decided to take my mum and boys out to dinner at a restaurant. I must now officially remind myself why I do not go to restaurants with 20 month olds. Joshua has an extremely good arm and manages to throw objects with great force across a crowded room with such ease. But I love him. Joel is the kind of kid that has to test out the toilets within about 1 minute of us being seated. Cody just prefers to lie across the table and draw.......Lets just say we ate very quickly but here is some photos of my beautiful men.

My Beautiful Men

OMG I forgot to mention, I got stuck in the lift at work the other day with another Midwife. How Embarrassing, we just cracked up laughing then pressed the little phone button in the lift, I also got on my phone to tell the girls on the ward we were stuck- all of whom came running to the lift and began knocking on the door laughing at us. We then panicked when we realised it still wasn't moving and we may have to resort to climbing up the man hole and going through the roof. After about 10 mins of laughing, wheezing and almost wetting ourselves, it started to move. I was trying to talk to the switchboard operator and all we could do was laugh. Did I mention we were on the top floor and if the lift broke we would have a long fall ahead of us?? .....Anyway if was funny for me......

I almost got killed today driving home from the city with my friend Sally... I had a huge delayed reaction when a car almost side swiped me. I kind of did a girly scream/high pitched sound. I think I scared Sally with my scream more than the car that was just about to kiss her....We waved to the silly little P plater laughing our appendages off in the process.

My mummy is down now and looking after me and the boys. Its so cool, she made me lunch today to take to uni......she is also knitting my friends some scarves which are very funky.

NEWS FLASH .........NEWS FLASH.............NEWS FLASH.................NEWS FLASH......................

I seriously think I have a nostril hair.... I don't know what to do?? Do I pluck it and hope a whole forest doesn't start to sprout over night or do I ignore it and the people that stare at my nose when they talk to me???? Oh the tragedy......

Mini Me

The past week have been pretty full on with lots happening and more shocks, twists and turns than a big brother episode.

Im back in delivery again. No rest for the wicked- thrown straight back in their with just 7 weeks under my belt I'm now doing it by myself. Someone watches me, I just do everything now.

Its even more scarey to know that I am now half way through- the last 6 months have flown by!!!

I also received news that I am an Aunty again. Although it hasn't yet been confirmed its pretty hard to not notice your own flesh and blood when they stare back at you with your eyes!!!! Or in this case my brothers. The sad thing is, she is 6.5 yrs old and we've only just found out. My dad died not knowing he had a grand daughter. All he ever wanted was a grand daughter.

Needless to say it came as an expected surprise, we did have an idea Nathan had another child out their somewhere we just didn't know where or when. To find out she is almost 7 yrs old is a massive shock.

So there you go I'm an Aunty again!!!! Spin out....

One day I hope to post family photos of her in it.

My unfortunate family

Sometimes blogs are used as a way of blotting down how great ones life is or to focus on impersonal posts that are for decorative or entertainment purposes. I prefer to use my blog as a way of blotting my thoughts and ideas and my feelings, to also debrief when times are tough and for people to have a rare glimpse of who I really am. I'm not always funny and happy all the time. Sometimes I am around people but still lonely. Sometimes I think I am right when I am wrong.



This is my thoughts today, maybe people who read this might understand me a little better.



I went to church yesterday, back to my original church. It was like walking back into my lounge room. I've realized that they are more family than my real family. I don't have anything to do with my mothers family, over the years I've learnt that I just don't like them. When a grandmother focuses on teaching her great grandchildren how to swear, its not exactly the environment I want my kids bought up in.

Last year, after the death of my dad, they tried to buy my mums love (as my grandmother tries to do with everyone). She conned my mother into living with her and becoming totally dependant on my grandmother, not even being able to have her own thoughts and ideas and my mums life revolving around taking her to her many doctors appointments even though there is nothing wrong with her.

If you know me well you will also know I say exactly how it is. I'll also stick up for myself and my family no matter what. This is why my grandmother doesn't like me. She once told me that if my dad had a grave she would dance and spit on it....nice hey...that was two weeks after he died....She has no heart but most of all she lacks the ability to love someone. She thinks money can buy her love but unfortunately all the family members that gain financially from her think she is a big nutter too butthey all put up with it to get things from her.

Its taken until now for my mum to realize that environment was not the best for her, today she is now trying to rebuild her life without the negative influences that she had around her and she is doing really well....

I guess because I have intelligence, I can be a target for jealously. A big joy is knowing I don't have to resort to selling soaps and working in a shoe shop because I lack the grey matter between my ears. I got a career and a life and don't feel it necessary to sponge off elderly people to get by. I look after my own.

I've lost alot in the last 12 months, my house, my job for having a baby, my dad. But I cannot stress about things I cannot change. I have to pick my feet up and move on. That's what i am doing. So is my mum.

I have some amazing special people in my life and I am so grateful for them:



Megan: like a sister to me if not more. We have completely different lifestyles but have common ground. She is amazing. I'm so grateful for reacquainting myself with her after our school reunion last year. Now we are in daily contact and she means the world to me.



Kerensa: A far more wiser person than I ever will be. Without a doubt she would be there for me at a drop of a hat. Loosing our dads just months apart was hard. She has two great kids and if not for them we wouldn't have met. Things do happen for a reason.



Kylie: and OUR beautiful baby Amelia. After loosing contact for 2 years, we are back and as thick as thieves. I take great pride in knowing that I can handle your personality even in the most difficult of circumstances and will forever have a special bond with Amelia as I cut her cord.......Bec isn't missed she is an amazing young women and I can't wait to one day see her playing bowls for Australia.



My midwifery mates: We have developed great friendships and even though we come from all corners of the world and have different lifestyles we always look out for each other and not a day goes by when I don't enjoy coming to work. I look forward to every Thursday as its our catch up day and gossip day...hehehehe....I can't wait until our 'half way there party' in a few weeks.



The Dicksons: who at a drop of a hat every single one of them go out of their way to be there for us yet are happy to slip into the background with no expectations of something in return.



My dads family: In the last year my dads sister passed away after a big battle with cancer. Her last words I heard her say was when someone asked what she was thinking, she turned and looked so peaceful and said 'Terry actually', that's my dad!!!! I'll keep that in my memory bank forever. My Aunty Hazel passed away exactly this time last year, she was the sweetest lady ever. I miss her very much and my dad was very close to her. My dads family have been having a Christmas party every year for the past 49 yrs, its a tradition and I look forward to catching up with them every year- its a highlight and kicks off the Christmas festivities.



Berni and Oskar: My ex sister in law is more family than my own brothers!!! And Oskar is my cute nephew who I adore but don't get to see nearly as much as I would like.



My Aunty Stevie and Aunty Phil: The only family members on my mums side that I like. Who cares about the rest. My Aunty Stevie is more of a grandmother than my real grandmother



My mummy: Although she is at times the things she does are completely strange, I do love her very much and we really only have each other. Now that her family are no longer in the picture we can enjoy a mother daughter relationship again the way it should be. I'd always look after her no matter how much she pisses me off at times. I love my mummy.



My boys: Cody, Joel and Joshua who mean everything to me. Words can't describe the love you feel for your own flesh and blood.



Stephen: Although our relationship has not been smooth, It can only get better because it cant get much worse.



Well that's my family. I'm not interested in people that attempt to make my life a misery. Your emotions are being wasted on me and I hope and pray every day that you find peace within yourself.

My greatest gift right now is clarity and I've found it.

Post written in Retrospect, this is MY year

Two steps forward, two steps back, it seems to be the story of my life........

But today I decided I'm not gunna let things stop me from achieving my goals. I'm going to work my butt off and do it myself so then when I do complete my middy course and finish I'll be able to thank ME, cause I'm the one that has done it, BY MYSELF.......

I fired my nanny Jess today, for numerous reasons like calling Joel Psycho and making up excuse after excuse of why she can't take Josh to his dance classes and playgroup. Today it was because she couldn't find his shoes...mmmm.... in his ROOM....and then going shopping with him!!!! WTF...do I pay people to shop??????

So stuff it, I'll do it alone. The boys will go into day care that thankfully covers shift workers and my clinic days are covered by child care. The rest will be done by ME.

If I was to win a logie, the first person I'd thank is ME ME ME ME.....

Ok I'll put the violin away now.........

So this year will be MY year. I'm going to do exactly what I set out to achieve. I'll be a midwife and a dam good one at that. I've come this far.

My tattoo's

Give me 20 good reasons

They say love hurts.

I wrote that book.

I climbed that wall, I had one look,

But you just came around to say hello.

The streets were filled with guilty hearts

And here was I right from the start,

And I lost everything when I lost you.

So tell me why should I let you go?

Give me 20 good reasons.

I need to know?

100 posts today

I thought for my 100th post I would share some photos taken last night. Josh is sick and I was in the bath so he jumped in (no peace for a mummy!!)

What does NAB mean??

If I tell you then everyone will know so its my little secret......

mmmm spagettii and meatballs

Happy Mothers Day 2007

Although I had to work this morning, My beautiful big boys woke up early to give me their presents they had bought at the mothers day stall at school and the cards they had made. I noticed that even though I gave them $10 each, the presents were only $5, the little buggers kept the change!!!! As they say its the thought that counts. Josh gave me a lovely big crap before I left for work which was pleasant, I went to work smelling like shit. I also got a new wallet and Joel made me a banana cake with love. Such a sweety. Cody wrote in my card, 'have a smashing mothers day and good luck at work mum' how cute. Its funny how they develop their personalities.

To all the mums, mums to be and mum's of angels- Have a very happy mothers day filled with love.

This is me after finishing my 7th day of work. Very tired to say the least!!!!!!

I guess its not meant to be easy

I'm gunna post this is an attempt to debrief myself from something that happened and remember a little baby lost that I didn't know but had a huge affect on me.
Last night I had a full term baby die on me. I was the one that had to carry the baby as if it was still alive to her parents. I walked past at least 50 people with no one even realizing the little baby was actually dead. I called her by her first name when speaking about her to her parents and when it was time to say goodbye just me and the baby took the long walk back to the morgue by ourselves. On the way back I tucked her into her hospital cot with a pretty little pink hat and as we walked the corridor, I looked at her perfect face and realized that it was only me that actually knew she had passed away. To the average person, I was just pushing a sleeping baby in a cot.

I was ok the whole time until I had to talk to her parents- the devastation on their faces killed me. At least I thought I was ok. I held myself together, speaking softly and only when I had to but completely lost it when I walked back into the nurses station and heard a song with sentimental value on the radio in the background.

It was only then that I realized I'm expected in my job to suck it up and handle these types of situations- you take the good with the bad. But I'm a mum with feelings and a heart and tonight my heart was crushed looking at a perfect little baby that will never have the chance to grow up.

To that little girl and her family, I will never forget last night. Her little face, the clothes she was dressed in and her name will forever be imprinted in my mind.

In no way am I making someone else's grief mine, I just wanted to post this in a hope that I can look back in years to come and see that once upon a time I did have feelings and to remind myself to never desensitise myself to not have feelings for someone else's pain or happiness.

Just because I chose the career I am in doesn't mean I can now handle everything, it just means that sometimes I get to have bad days too, the only difference is mine are life changing.

This mothers day I'll be giving extra kisses and cuddles to my boys and my heart goes out to that mum last night as well as a dear friend of mine that lost her little boy a few months back. My thoughts and prayers are with you ( you know who you are).

International Midwives day

On Friday night I celebrated International Midwives day. Here is me and fellow Midwifery student Susan enjoying ourselves

Our Nanny Jess

This is our nanny Jessica, she has become part of our family and Im glad she likes us. I'm sure we test her at times but somehow we make it work.

PIcs of Matt and Kylies wedding

Getting to know me

So how well do you know me? Don't you hate it when you get the emails and you have to answer all those questions about yourself? I decided to make up a few questions for myself, questions that you may have never been game enough to ask or clubmeegan facts you had no idea about.........

Person I most admire? Norma Jean aka Marilyn Monroe

First Kiss? Year 5 at a birthday party, the guys name was Darren Zarb and he ate baked beans and tasted really gross, took me another 4 years to kiss a guy again.

First time drunk? New Caledonia 1994, working for maccas we got free drinks and I took advantage of it.

Original wedding day? 26th April 1997, intended bridesmaids were Cherie Dickson, Catherine Mitchell and Leanne Bendall.

Best pregnancy advice that was actually useful and true? Your fanny lips swell!! (thanks Catherine), and Kathleen telling me she used icey poles to ease the problem....hehehe

Most embarrasing moment? I don't get embarrased.

Best day ever? 21st January 2007.

Worst day ever? Some day in May 2005, too bad I forgot the actual day but it was a thursday.

Original career? Social work or police force.

Favourite name? Lilly Rose for girl, Cody, Joel and Joshua for a boy.

Worst habit? Too much information

Best habit? my honesty and loyalty

TV shows I have been on? Live it up, 1994

TV shows I have tried to go on? Australian Survivor 2001
Biggest loser 2005
Biggest loser 2006
Big Brother 2006

mmmm will think of more and add them. Got a question you want me to add???

Yes I'm slack

Or maybe I have a life, not sure which one.

I haven't updated my blog cause I've been busy working, moving and settling in at the compound. Been a busy time. Just getting the time to check my emails is hard in itself.

I promise I will fill you in with all the entertaining stories that you are expecting from me....

And no mum Amelia isn't Steves baby!!! She has a little bit of red hair. Funny comment though.

I've been in postnatal for the past few weeks after spending 7 weeks in delivery. Its good if you want a cuddle from a newborn as by the third day some women tend to give you their baby as they don't know how to stop it from crying....I've been called the baby whisperer cause I whisper in the babys ear and it stops crying to listen to what I say- try it, it really works. I'm secretly swearing at the baby and they know its naughty so they stop....hahaha, not really.

I went to a conference on Friday night, got dressed up to celebrate International Midwives day- its hard to believe I fit into that title now- Midwife-. I'll add photos as soon as I download them.

I also had my first weekend off or first day off in 5 months on the weekend!!!! Yep, 5 months of running around, working, driving etc and for 2 whole days I did what I wanted to do.....

Also got some news, I'm back to wearing glasses now. Its funny cause everything is so clear, I study peoples faces because I haven't seen this well in years. It also adds to a certain level of intelligence, I need all the help I can get.

I posted some more photos from the wedding and birth!!!! Check em out, didnt have alot of time to be real creative

Happy Birthday Dad

Friday 20th April 2007 would have been my dads 57th Birthday.

Happy Birthday dad

Russell Crowe

I almost forgot to tell you

I SAW RUSSELL CROWE!!!! I was waiting to fuel up at the Woolworths petrol plus on Monday and looked over at this really nice car. I think it was an Audi?? It was black and looked really sleek. The number plate was GT C. So I'm staring at this car and then looked at the guy who was fueling up and it was Russell Crowe, in Taree at Woolworths petrol plus. Well blow me down!!

I said hi and he ignored me, so I said 'Hi Russell' and he ignored me again. I then thought it may have been a Russell Crowe look a like. My phone rang and it was Stephen. I told Steve that good ole Rusty was about 4 metres from me. He didn't believe me of course. So I called out to Russell and said 'Hey Russell can you tell my boyfriend you are here??" With that Russell said " Im filling up my car now with Petrol and can't come to the phone". He was so rude but when I think about it I was actually asking him to talk on a mobile phone with a petrol bouser right near him. I feel slightly silly now...hehehe

He was arrogant, and slightly rude and he could have smiled politely. I didn't want to take a photo incase he threw my phone at me or yelled at me. His presence came across as a big tough guy and he was very intimidating.

I guess if you choose to be a star you need to expect to be recognised and do your little bit of PR work and smile on occasions, after all it is people like me who buy his movies.

Anyways, thats another claim to fame for me.....

If I spread myself any thinner they would name a margarine after me!!!!

After my last post and whingeing about being bored (for a whole 4 hours), my week certainly heated up!! I'm going to have to do this post in stages as so many things happened its hard for me to think straight. So let me start at the very beginning......

My afternoon shift was terrible, baby's popping out everywhere, no time to have a break (which is nothing unusual)!! One lady even delivered as she was being pushed in on an ambo trolley- that's what I call an express lane!!! So I go home and trying to unwind decide to open a lovely bottle of red and drink it over a nice warm Mc Chicken...mmm..... I end up going to bed at about 1am happy that I would have a sleep in the next day... But NOOOOO.....Then this happens.....I get a text message from my friend Kylie at 4:16am:

'My fukn water broke 0330hrs! Had a showa ready to go wen time
rite, nuthn else diff.'

OMG!!!! Im her support person and at least 3.5hrs away!!!!

I jumped on the phone and yelled at her for not
ringing in case I missed the sms and while speaking to her managed to
get dressed and be in the
car and on my way within about 4 minutes..... She
wasn't in pain which was good and was quiet calm. I told her I was already on
the pacific highway on my way and would be there as soon as I could. She went to
wake her parents and daughter. I knew she had a 2 hour labour last time and was worried everything would happen quickly and I wouldn't be there in time
for her......I managed to reach the hospital just before 7am, in a record-
2.5hrs and was there 5 minutes before Kylie and her parents!

I should explain to you that Kylie was going solo with no partner, after 16 years we all thought she had found a really nice guy that she could settle down with- that was until the day he put a pillow over her head when she was 14 weeks pregnant and tried to suffocate her!!! Worse still I heard it all as I was on the phone to him trying to calm him down!!!! So as only a best bud would do I stepped in and took over the farchar (father) role. I went to most of her appointments, we went to the 4D ultrasound together and now I would be welcoming our little princess into the world..We even joined a website so we could talk to other expectant mothers that were due around the same time. We have made some nice friends and this has been really important as Kylie pretty much had no one else but me.

So........

The birth of....... (you gotta hear the story first!!)

Getting to the Hospital at 7am, we walk in only to be greeted by what I describe in my own words as cranky arse lesbian midwives(aka CALM) who seem to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and take it out on poor unsuspecting mothers to be. Weren't they in for a shock when I walked in as a support person considering I chose to do my midwifery in a far more superior teaching hospital, and a voice to advocate for my mate Kylie.

From the word go, I had a feeling this was going to be a very long day. Ducking out for 5 minutes to buy Kylie a present, I received a call from her to come back straight away. When I got back, the doctor had been in to see her and said that even though her waters had broken they were going to leave her for 24hrs to see if she would go into labour by herself- funny thing was, she was already in labour!!! The CTG machine showed clear uterine activity and to palpate she felt like she was having good mild to moderate contractions with good tone but lacked intensity and Kylie was in absolutely no pain (yes, I was secretly palpating her belly to see...hehehe). Kylie was upset that she had to wait another 24hrs so me being me went out and spoke to the doctor and pretty much told them to induce her because that's what she wanted. The doctor agreed, the midwives were pissed off but at least they were not going to leave her hanging like a shag on a rock waiting for labour. At this stage she hadn't dilated (not that they knew as they hadn't done an internal yet) and it took them until 4pm to finally start the induction!!!

So we waited, mucking around taking photos, reading and eating, reading posts on our mummy's website and texting friends. We were having fun and Kylie was relaxed but yet I couldn't understand why she wasn't feeling the contractions. By 8pm she decided her mum and daughter were tired and should go home so it was just me and her. I was sooo tired and trying hard not to fall asleep as Kylie was wide awake. We went for walks, she had a shower, we talked to keep each other occupied but still nothing. This is weird, she was now having a good dose of the drug Syntocinon with no affect. Surely something must be going on.

It was at about this time that I decided to use the toilet in the room so I didn't have to walk 100 metres to the public one..I have an issue with public toilets (see previous posts).....Kylie needed to go straight after me and as I lay down resting on the recliner chair she called out these exact words "You dirty bitch, get your arse in here now". Before I had even got up off the chair I proclaimed my innocence declaring that if it was a pubic hair it wasn't mine as I was well and truly groomed in that department and I swear I did not piss on the seat. She started laughing and told me to get in here now. I reluctantly got up and walked in only to see a hospital towel floating in the toilet bowl...I must have knocked it in when I went. We both laughed so hard we were crying and when the CALM came in she thought we must of been the weirdest people, laughing at a wet towel. I couldn't even contain myself to walk out of the room and put it in the laundry skip. I would just crack up laughing.The toilet incident!!


It certainly made for a very light and funny moment. By 11pm Kylie's 3rd different CALM aka Midwife came on to look after her. I don't know what happened but I fell asleep and apparently was talking to Kylie, I think I said to her 'oh don't worry thats normal' (my answer for everything by then), she said I sounded funny but was just delirious from working for the past 5 days and having been awake for almost 24 hrs....

By 1am when nothing had started, and the induction was now 9 hrs into it with no painful contractions the Midwife decided to do an internal to see what was happening!!! Well hallelujah, there is a God, finally someone was going to see what was happening. The midwife told Kylie- either your baby is bald or you have membranes INTACT!!! Do you think they could have told the poor girl this 20hrs ago!!!!! The doctor was called and told Kylie she could either have her forewaters broken as she must have ruptured her hindwater membranes which meant that a pocket of fluid was preventing baby's head from moving down and her to dilate or they could wait to morning and do it then.....She told them to do it now!!!!`

Within about half an hour Kylie was in established labour and alot of pain...I can never describe the feeling I felt when she looked at me and begged me to do something. She wasn't coping with the pain. I've seen many ladies in labour but this was the worst and affected me because I had been there for her through all the ups and downs of being pregnant. I was trying not to cry and was having trouble hiding the fact that I felt so sorry for her and couldn't take the pain away. I now know how husbands feel- helpless is the only word. I talked her through every single contraction and ended up getting her some Nitrous Oxide. Its funny watching people suck the happy gas in, they say the strangest things. She was doing so well and after about an hour of hell she got an epidural. By 7am she was feeling the pain again and they gave her a top up. By 8am she was fully dilated and ready to push this baby out, only problem was, baby was now unhappy and Kylie couldn't feel anything. It was decided that a vacuum extraction might be the only answer.....

So with a drum roll it is with great pleasure to introduce our little princess

Amelia Jane weighing 3150gms and 48.5cm long.......

A very big thank you to our cyber friend and mum to be Shannon, aka crossing fingers and toes, for all the help and sms support you gave us during a very long labour.

We both ended up being awake for more than 30 hrs!!!!! I was exhausted.....

But for me it doesn't end there.

The next day I had to go to a wedding.....I was stuffed but drove the 3.5hrs back down to Sydney to attend my ex school mate and partner in crime Matthew and his now wife Kylie's wedding. I have lots of photos but I've been typing for ages so, Ive just attached 2. I'll post more photos tomorrow.

A Big Congrats to Matt and Kylie on a lovely day and a life of happiness. Kylie you looked beautiful and I hope your day was everything you dreamt of and more......

But it doesn't end there.....

I'm now back in Sydney after going home the following day and have to finish the week off before officially relocating to the staff quarters with the kids and nanny........I really should be skinny by now....and if I must say so myself I looked pretty hot at the wedding....hehehehe