I guess its not meant to be easy

I'm gunna post this is an attempt to debrief myself from something that happened and remember a little baby lost that I didn't know but had a huge affect on me.
Last night I had a full term baby die on me. I was the one that had to carry the baby as if it was still alive to her parents. I walked past at least 50 people with no one even realizing the little baby was actually dead. I called her by her first name when speaking about her to her parents and when it was time to say goodbye just me and the baby took the long walk back to the morgue by ourselves. On the way back I tucked her into her hospital cot with a pretty little pink hat and as we walked the corridor, I looked at her perfect face and realized that it was only me that actually knew she had passed away. To the average person, I was just pushing a sleeping baby in a cot.

I was ok the whole time until I had to talk to her parents- the devastation on their faces killed me. At least I thought I was ok. I held myself together, speaking softly and only when I had to but completely lost it when I walked back into the nurses station and heard a song with sentimental value on the radio in the background.

It was only then that I realized I'm expected in my job to suck it up and handle these types of situations- you take the good with the bad. But I'm a mum with feelings and a heart and tonight my heart was crushed looking at a perfect little baby that will never have the chance to grow up.

To that little girl and her family, I will never forget last night. Her little face, the clothes she was dressed in and her name will forever be imprinted in my mind.

In no way am I making someone else's grief mine, I just wanted to post this in a hope that I can look back in years to come and see that once upon a time I did have feelings and to remind myself to never desensitise myself to not have feelings for someone else's pain or happiness.

Just because I chose the career I am in doesn't mean I can now handle everything, it just means that sometimes I get to have bad days too, the only difference is mine are life changing.

This mothers day I'll be giving extra kisses and cuddles to my boys and my heart goes out to that mum last night as well as a dear friend of mine that lost her little boy a few months back. My thoughts and prayers are with you ( you know who you are).