My unfortunate family

Sometimes blogs are used as a way of blotting down how great ones life is or to focus on impersonal posts that are for decorative or entertainment purposes. I prefer to use my blog as a way of blotting my thoughts and ideas and my feelings, to also debrief when times are tough and for people to have a rare glimpse of who I really am. I'm not always funny and happy all the time. Sometimes I am around people but still lonely. Sometimes I think I am right when I am wrong.



This is my thoughts today, maybe people who read this might understand me a little better.



I went to church yesterday, back to my original church. It was like walking back into my lounge room. I've realized that they are more family than my real family. I don't have anything to do with my mothers family, over the years I've learnt that I just don't like them. When a grandmother focuses on teaching her great grandchildren how to swear, its not exactly the environment I want my kids bought up in.

Last year, after the death of my dad, they tried to buy my mums love (as my grandmother tries to do with everyone). She conned my mother into living with her and becoming totally dependant on my grandmother, not even being able to have her own thoughts and ideas and my mums life revolving around taking her to her many doctors appointments even though there is nothing wrong with her.

If you know me well you will also know I say exactly how it is. I'll also stick up for myself and my family no matter what. This is why my grandmother doesn't like me. She once told me that if my dad had a grave she would dance and spit on it....nice hey...that was two weeks after he died....She has no heart but most of all she lacks the ability to love someone. She thinks money can buy her love but unfortunately all the family members that gain financially from her think she is a big nutter too butthey all put up with it to get things from her.

Its taken until now for my mum to realize that environment was not the best for her, today she is now trying to rebuild her life without the negative influences that she had around her and she is doing really well....

I guess because I have intelligence, I can be a target for jealously. A big joy is knowing I don't have to resort to selling soaps and working in a shoe shop because I lack the grey matter between my ears. I got a career and a life and don't feel it necessary to sponge off elderly people to get by. I look after my own.

I've lost alot in the last 12 months, my house, my job for having a baby, my dad. But I cannot stress about things I cannot change. I have to pick my feet up and move on. That's what i am doing. So is my mum.

I have some amazing special people in my life and I am so grateful for them:



Megan: like a sister to me if not more. We have completely different lifestyles but have common ground. She is amazing. I'm so grateful for reacquainting myself with her after our school reunion last year. Now we are in daily contact and she means the world to me.



Kerensa: A far more wiser person than I ever will be. Without a doubt she would be there for me at a drop of a hat. Loosing our dads just months apart was hard. She has two great kids and if not for them we wouldn't have met. Things do happen for a reason.



Kylie: and OUR beautiful baby Amelia. After loosing contact for 2 years, we are back and as thick as thieves. I take great pride in knowing that I can handle your personality even in the most difficult of circumstances and will forever have a special bond with Amelia as I cut her cord.......Bec isn't missed she is an amazing young women and I can't wait to one day see her playing bowls for Australia.



My midwifery mates: We have developed great friendships and even though we come from all corners of the world and have different lifestyles we always look out for each other and not a day goes by when I don't enjoy coming to work. I look forward to every Thursday as its our catch up day and gossip day...hehehehe....I can't wait until our 'half way there party' in a few weeks.



The Dicksons: who at a drop of a hat every single one of them go out of their way to be there for us yet are happy to slip into the background with no expectations of something in return.



My dads family: In the last year my dads sister passed away after a big battle with cancer. Her last words I heard her say was when someone asked what she was thinking, she turned and looked so peaceful and said 'Terry actually', that's my dad!!!! I'll keep that in my memory bank forever. My Aunty Hazel passed away exactly this time last year, she was the sweetest lady ever. I miss her very much and my dad was very close to her. My dads family have been having a Christmas party every year for the past 49 yrs, its a tradition and I look forward to catching up with them every year- its a highlight and kicks off the Christmas festivities.



Berni and Oskar: My ex sister in law is more family than my own brothers!!! And Oskar is my cute nephew who I adore but don't get to see nearly as much as I would like.



My Aunty Stevie and Aunty Phil: The only family members on my mums side that I like. Who cares about the rest. My Aunty Stevie is more of a grandmother than my real grandmother



My mummy: Although she is at times the things she does are completely strange, I do love her very much and we really only have each other. Now that her family are no longer in the picture we can enjoy a mother daughter relationship again the way it should be. I'd always look after her no matter how much she pisses me off at times. I love my mummy.



My boys: Cody, Joel and Joshua who mean everything to me. Words can't describe the love you feel for your own flesh and blood.



Stephen: Although our relationship has not been smooth, It can only get better because it cant get much worse.



Well that's my family. I'm not interested in people that attempt to make my life a misery. Your emotions are being wasted on me and I hope and pray every day that you find peace within yourself.

My greatest gift right now is clarity and I've found it.

Post written in Retrospect, this is MY year

Two steps forward, two steps back, it seems to be the story of my life........

But today I decided I'm not gunna let things stop me from achieving my goals. I'm going to work my butt off and do it myself so then when I do complete my middy course and finish I'll be able to thank ME, cause I'm the one that has done it, BY MYSELF.......

I fired my nanny Jess today, for numerous reasons like calling Joel Psycho and making up excuse after excuse of why she can't take Josh to his dance classes and playgroup. Today it was because she couldn't find his shoes...mmmm.... in his ROOM....and then going shopping with him!!!! WTF...do I pay people to shop??????

So stuff it, I'll do it alone. The boys will go into day care that thankfully covers shift workers and my clinic days are covered by child care. The rest will be done by ME.

If I was to win a logie, the first person I'd thank is ME ME ME ME.....

Ok I'll put the violin away now.........

So this year will be MY year. I'm going to do exactly what I set out to achieve. I'll be a midwife and a dam good one at that. I've come this far.

My tattoo's

Give me 20 good reasons

They say love hurts.

I wrote that book.

I climbed that wall, I had one look,

But you just came around to say hello.

The streets were filled with guilty hearts

And here was I right from the start,

And I lost everything when I lost you.

So tell me why should I let you go?

Give me 20 good reasons.

I need to know?

100 posts today

I thought for my 100th post I would share some photos taken last night. Josh is sick and I was in the bath so he jumped in (no peace for a mummy!!)

What does NAB mean??

If I tell you then everyone will know so its my little secret......

mmmm spagettii and meatballs

Happy Mothers Day 2007

Although I had to work this morning, My beautiful big boys woke up early to give me their presents they had bought at the mothers day stall at school and the cards they had made. I noticed that even though I gave them $10 each, the presents were only $5, the little buggers kept the change!!!! As they say its the thought that counts. Josh gave me a lovely big crap before I left for work which was pleasant, I went to work smelling like shit. I also got a new wallet and Joel made me a banana cake with love. Such a sweety. Cody wrote in my card, 'have a smashing mothers day and good luck at work mum' how cute. Its funny how they develop their personalities.

To all the mums, mums to be and mum's of angels- Have a very happy mothers day filled with love.

This is me after finishing my 7th day of work. Very tired to say the least!!!!!!

I guess its not meant to be easy

I'm gunna post this is an attempt to debrief myself from something that happened and remember a little baby lost that I didn't know but had a huge affect on me.
Last night I had a full term baby die on me. I was the one that had to carry the baby as if it was still alive to her parents. I walked past at least 50 people with no one even realizing the little baby was actually dead. I called her by her first name when speaking about her to her parents and when it was time to say goodbye just me and the baby took the long walk back to the morgue by ourselves. On the way back I tucked her into her hospital cot with a pretty little pink hat and as we walked the corridor, I looked at her perfect face and realized that it was only me that actually knew she had passed away. To the average person, I was just pushing a sleeping baby in a cot.

I was ok the whole time until I had to talk to her parents- the devastation on their faces killed me. At least I thought I was ok. I held myself together, speaking softly and only when I had to but completely lost it when I walked back into the nurses station and heard a song with sentimental value on the radio in the background.

It was only then that I realized I'm expected in my job to suck it up and handle these types of situations- you take the good with the bad. But I'm a mum with feelings and a heart and tonight my heart was crushed looking at a perfect little baby that will never have the chance to grow up.

To that little girl and her family, I will never forget last night. Her little face, the clothes she was dressed in and her name will forever be imprinted in my mind.

In no way am I making someone else's grief mine, I just wanted to post this in a hope that I can look back in years to come and see that once upon a time I did have feelings and to remind myself to never desensitise myself to not have feelings for someone else's pain or happiness.

Just because I chose the career I am in doesn't mean I can now handle everything, it just means that sometimes I get to have bad days too, the only difference is mine are life changing.

This mothers day I'll be giving extra kisses and cuddles to my boys and my heart goes out to that mum last night as well as a dear friend of mine that lost her little boy a few months back. My thoughts and prayers are with you ( you know who you are).

International Midwives day

On Friday night I celebrated International Midwives day. Here is me and fellow Midwifery student Susan enjoying ourselves

Our Nanny Jess

This is our nanny Jessica, she has become part of our family and Im glad she likes us. I'm sure we test her at times but somehow we make it work.

PIcs of Matt and Kylies wedding

Getting to know me

So how well do you know me? Don't you hate it when you get the emails and you have to answer all those questions about yourself? I decided to make up a few questions for myself, questions that you may have never been game enough to ask or clubmeegan facts you had no idea about.........

Person I most admire? Norma Jean aka Marilyn Monroe

First Kiss? Year 5 at a birthday party, the guys name was Darren Zarb and he ate baked beans and tasted really gross, took me another 4 years to kiss a guy again.

First time drunk? New Caledonia 1994, working for maccas we got free drinks and I took advantage of it.

Original wedding day? 26th April 1997, intended bridesmaids were Cherie Dickson, Catherine Mitchell and Leanne Bendall.

Best pregnancy advice that was actually useful and true? Your fanny lips swell!! (thanks Catherine), and Kathleen telling me she used icey poles to ease the problem....hehehe

Most embarrasing moment? I don't get embarrased.

Best day ever? 21st January 2007.

Worst day ever? Some day in May 2005, too bad I forgot the actual day but it was a thursday.

Original career? Social work or police force.

Favourite name? Lilly Rose for girl, Cody, Joel and Joshua for a boy.

Worst habit? Too much information

Best habit? my honesty and loyalty

TV shows I have been on? Live it up, 1994

TV shows I have tried to go on? Australian Survivor 2001
Biggest loser 2005
Biggest loser 2006
Big Brother 2006

mmmm will think of more and add them. Got a question you want me to add???

Yes I'm slack

Or maybe I have a life, not sure which one.

I haven't updated my blog cause I've been busy working, moving and settling in at the compound. Been a busy time. Just getting the time to check my emails is hard in itself.

I promise I will fill you in with all the entertaining stories that you are expecting from me....

And no mum Amelia isn't Steves baby!!! She has a little bit of red hair. Funny comment though.

I've been in postnatal for the past few weeks after spending 7 weeks in delivery. Its good if you want a cuddle from a newborn as by the third day some women tend to give you their baby as they don't know how to stop it from crying....I've been called the baby whisperer cause I whisper in the babys ear and it stops crying to listen to what I say- try it, it really works. I'm secretly swearing at the baby and they know its naughty so they stop....hahaha, not really.

I went to a conference on Friday night, got dressed up to celebrate International Midwives day- its hard to believe I fit into that title now- Midwife-. I'll add photos as soon as I download them.

I also had my first weekend off or first day off in 5 months on the weekend!!!! Yep, 5 months of running around, working, driving etc and for 2 whole days I did what I wanted to do.....

Also got some news, I'm back to wearing glasses now. Its funny cause everything is so clear, I study peoples faces because I haven't seen this well in years. It also adds to a certain level of intelligence, I need all the help I can get.