My dad

Not a day goes by when I don't think of you. I don't have any regrets, I said and did all I had to do for you. It doesn't get easier- only someone who has experienced a death might understand. At least you would have loved your funeral- set on our property, you were already cremeted, we had a great service, I did the eulogy with Uncle Jack, I didn't want to but did. We played your favourite songs and of course had red and white as the theme. We released all these red and white balloons and watched them go really high- after that we ate and drank and then played back yard cricket. I looked up and saw someone had put a bottle of beer near your ashes and moved them so you could see the cricket game- you would have laughed at that. You would have said 'well done meego' only you ever called me that so imgine my surprise when Joshua called me 'meego' a few weeks ago, you must have told him. Cody Joel and Oskar put a single rose each near your ashes, by the end of the day they had died. I took photos of the flowers cause I wanted something to remember the day- so we didn't just have one day to remember you, but a lifetime. I made a DVD, it took me forever and many sleepless nights and we played this at the end, it wasn't sad, it was entertaining and we all had a laugh. Thank you for being so strong until Josh was born. I hated the doctors telling me how bad you were and I'm sorry I didn't tell you the whole truth but I didn't want you to give up. The only thing I'm pissed off about was that you died on mums birthday!! How am I ever going to do anything nice for her on her birthday knowing that its the day you left us. I found you, it felt like Christmas day but without the presents and happiness- the smell of Christmas was still in the air, I tried so hard to imagine that you were just sleeping but I knew to keep you would have been selfish. I knew you didn't have to suffer anymore.

I'm angry cause now I can never get married with happiness- I dont have a dad to walk me down the asile, no dad to give me away or to do a toast. I don't know I could ever do such a big thing knowing an empty chair is all I have to remember you there. I still spray your aftershave in the house just to smell you, I have your ashes and wont let anyone take them.

Take care of Aunty Hazel, she left us just after you. And hold on to my little daughter until Im ready, I know you wanted her when you were alive but you'll just have to hold her for a while until she is ready for me. You know what I mean.

Love you dad.